911, Take 2.

Big and Tasty called 911 again. Less theatrics this time as the policewoman came at 5:45 instead of midnight and was much friendlier. B&T's original thought was to place blame on my niece who, oddly enough, has not been here the past two times the cops have accidentally been called. She is about to have an awesome rotary phone from 1987 installed in her room.

Stealing a bit from the Olsen twins

Quite like the Olsen twins in the epic "Brother For Sale" movie that we all loved as children, I've come up with a great way to make money thanks to a lovely 10-year old British girl. And by "we", I mean probably only me, Tess, Kathryn, Lauren, and maybe Stephanie.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,558481,00.html?test=latestnews

Clearly, I'll be more successful, and B&T will go for far more than a measly $3,500. Also, as members, readers, and subscribers of this blog, you all are lucky enough to have the opportunity to submit the first bids. Call me or email me. And I am using a reserve price starting at $1000. The Olsen twins were not dreaming big enough with a $0.50 reserve price!

ITEM: Grandmother for Sale

RESERVE: $1000

DESCRIPTION: Delightful 86-year old woman, slightly used. For sale as is, no returns Knees are only 10 years old as an added bonus. Heavy to moderate diet of BLTs, Big and Tasty Value Meals, and lots of Hellman's a must. No Duke's. Only Hellman's. Also, any buyer must have access to the Gameshow Network, Fox on American Idol night, and ABC on Dancing with the Stars night. However, complicated remotes and satellite TV are not recommended. Item also requires plenty of prescription meds and an organized system for distributing these meds. She will be ready and waiting at pill time and cannot be delayed. Be ready to yell out of frustration, hearing loss, and a combination of the two. Item cannot travel upstairs so a second story is recommended for moments when escape from reality is necessary.

Item is very talkative and good for gossip. Not reliable for celebrity gossip, anything news-related, or weather information as she only hears one out of every five words from the TV. Gets an A+ for effort and provides entertainment with occasional news reports. Likes visits to the Dollar Tree and the occasional Burger King Surprise. Be wary of occasional 911 calls and visits from phantom bugs that may call across the phone.

Feel free to email questions and concerns.

You learn something new every holiday...

ALAS, I returned from my errands today and the Halloween decorations have emerged. Now if you thought "inflatables" only came out at Christmas, you would be wrong. (for those that need to catch up, my family seems to think that calling them "inflatables" makes them more acceptable) Evidently they make them for Halloween and lord knows how many holidays. I will let the pictures speak for themselves:



Now Trish likes to have one Christmas tree on the back porch all year, so you might ask... What do you do with the Christmas tree during other holidays? Answer:



Now I knew Trish meant business when she had the rotating cookie tray out. (Surprisingly no crockpot). No worries there is one in a box for me in the basement for when I get my own place.



More pictures to come. And thats what you call a cliffhanger...

Red Rocket

As most of you probably know, I adopted a puppy last week from the shelter. He is a very sweet and playful puppy, but when he gets excited he tends to get a red rocket. Not just a little red rocket, but a gamongous boner. Now I can deal with seeing his tube of lipstick, but what I can't deal with is my father commenting on it.

It is just really awkward hearing your father joke about dog boners. It just brings unpleasant things to mind. Especially after you accidentally stumbled upon your parents secret stash of KY Jelly Warming Sensations last week while looking in their bookshelf for a Grisham book (the experience left me with no desire to read, but with a raging desire to rip out my eyeballs after seeing....that).

It's bad enough that the president wears a banana hammock and makes boner jokes. But I did not need to stumble upon the aforementioned item above. I need a job soon or else I am going to need serious therapy from this stint living at home.

A Davis Family Trip to the Gastroenterologist

WARNING: MEDICAL PROCEDURES DISCUSSED BELOW...just figured I'd say that in case the squeamish were reading.

Well, it's been awhile since anyone has blogged. Seriously, are Tess, Stephanie, and I the only ones who have amusing things happen to us. Andrew is in freaking Italy, yet no good stories? I find that hard to believe.

Anyways, I figured I better share about my latest adventure before I get washed away in the Great Storm of 2009 (that is what the newsman just called it....a bit of an overreaction, in my opinion...it is just a ton of rain). The picture below is around the corner from my house.



The Country Club where I work is closed on Monday so I was volunteered to take my father to the doctor today to have an endoscopy for some reflux issues. An endoscopy (thank the Lord) is when the doctor inserts a tube/camera through your throat to take photos of your stomach, esophagus, etc. The office where we were, however, also does colonoscopies which are endoscopies from the other end. After my father was prepped, I had to go back to sit with him to watch his things while he waited for the anesthetist and the procedure.

After my dad was rolled away, an elderly woman was brought back into the next room separated from me by a wall and a curtain. She clearly had just had a colonoscopy judging by the conversation she was having with her husband, the doctor, and the recovery nurse. Apparently after such a procedure, the nurse's job is to encourage the patient to pass as much gas as possible immediately. Like, this woman put myself or Coleman to shame on a good day. Sitting alone in my room, I started to giggle (NO PRIVACY) until the woman said this little gem, "I think that was a little more than gas." My giggle almost immediately turned into a vomit puddle on the middle of the floor until the woman began to continuosly pass gas again. It was as if she had sat on the world's biggest whoopie cushion, and there was no end in sight. It was horrible, and I couldn't figure out why they forced me to sit alone back in the room while my dad was not even there.

Thankfully, soon after, my heavily asleep father was wheeled back into the room. After kind of waking up and sitting up at a 90-degree angle because he couldn't quite figure out how to sit up correctly, my dad IMMEDIATELY began to argue about "Obama-care" with me in front of the nurse and how the hospital would soon change into a giant Red Cross shelter/"sick bay" for people who can't afford real care and come to the doctor for everything. Really, the first thing you do after coming off of drugs is argue with your liberal son about the President?! Come on, Dad. I told him to be quiet and to pay attention to the nurse.

He then asked for 8 more doses of meds so that he could sleep when he got home (presumedly so he didn't have to deal with B&T). He also kept saying how the meds didn't effect him, but that it made my mom crazy, or according to him, "You know how she gets after she's had a couple of drinks."

It was quite the adventure, and I was so happy that my dad's procedure was the one that was not followed by instructions to pass as much gas as possible. The nurse asked the woman next door to use her husband as a "target," and I probably would have punched her in the baby-maker had she even begun to suggest that to my father.

Cobb County Schools and my Club are closed tomorrow so my mother and I have to spend the whole day together with B&T. Certainly something entertaining has to come out of it. I just felt we needed some sort of update as it had been nearly a month! Congrats to all the Mississippi people who passed the Bar Exam!! The rest of us, god-willing, will be joining you shortly.

Is your house on fire, Clark?

So I am attempting to have a relaxing afternoon with the parentals out of town and settle down to mini-marathon of Its Always Sunny. (you know you are old when your parents being out of town means nothing) But shiver me timbers, I cant seem to figure out how to use the blasted DVD player. So proceed to call the sibling to get some guidance. She says that our dear mother has put the living room on a master controller and the DVD player is connected. Directions: turn on light set 1 to be able to power the DVD player.


RESULT ------------------------->
Sooooo basically if I want to kick it with Dennis, Sweet Dee, Charlie and Mac... I have to have a Griwalds Christmas around the television. Its slightly distracting... and when I say slightly I mean extremely.

**FYI: That tree to the left of the tv... not ONLY lights up, its fiber optic. If you aren't familiar with fiber optic decorations, don't be alarmed, it is probably because you arn't white trash.

Just wait till Christmas!

Being Unemployed is a Full Time Job

Problem 1: I came home to find the above, a timeless piece, in a pile to go to Goodwill. Trish is obviously going senile. Awesome doesn't belong at Goodwill. Come winter this baby is getting some wear and tear.

The closets of fame. I couldn't fit all the Justin into one screen cap. Sincerest Apologies.

I hate that you are missing the intricacy of detail of this beaut... so I provided a closeup. NOTE I had to measure, cute and tape the posters so my closets could open and close.


That is all for now. A year ago I would be drinking 2 for 1, now Im off to take a walk around the neighborhood and listen to my book on tape. Stay tuned.