911, Take 2.

Big and Tasty called 911 again. Less theatrics this time as the policewoman came at 5:45 instead of midnight and was much friendlier. B&T's original thought was to place blame on my niece who, oddly enough, has not been here the past two times the cops have accidentally been called. She is about to have an awesome rotary phone from 1987 installed in her room.

Stealing a bit from the Olsen twins

Quite like the Olsen twins in the epic "Brother For Sale" movie that we all loved as children, I've come up with a great way to make money thanks to a lovely 10-year old British girl. And by "we", I mean probably only me, Tess, Kathryn, Lauren, and maybe Stephanie.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,558481,00.html?test=latestnews

Clearly, I'll be more successful, and B&T will go for far more than a measly $3,500. Also, as members, readers, and subscribers of this blog, you all are lucky enough to have the opportunity to submit the first bids. Call me or email me. And I am using a reserve price starting at $1000. The Olsen twins were not dreaming big enough with a $0.50 reserve price!

ITEM: Grandmother for Sale

RESERVE: $1000

DESCRIPTION: Delightful 86-year old woman, slightly used. For sale as is, no returns Knees are only 10 years old as an added bonus. Heavy to moderate diet of BLTs, Big and Tasty Value Meals, and lots of Hellman's a must. No Duke's. Only Hellman's. Also, any buyer must have access to the Gameshow Network, Fox on American Idol night, and ABC on Dancing with the Stars night. However, complicated remotes and satellite TV are not recommended. Item also requires plenty of prescription meds and an organized system for distributing these meds. She will be ready and waiting at pill time and cannot be delayed. Be ready to yell out of frustration, hearing loss, and a combination of the two. Item cannot travel upstairs so a second story is recommended for moments when escape from reality is necessary.

Item is very talkative and good for gossip. Not reliable for celebrity gossip, anything news-related, or weather information as she only hears one out of every five words from the TV. Gets an A+ for effort and provides entertainment with occasional news reports. Likes visits to the Dollar Tree and the occasional Burger King Surprise. Be wary of occasional 911 calls and visits from phantom bugs that may call across the phone.

Feel free to email questions and concerns.

You learn something new every holiday...

ALAS, I returned from my errands today and the Halloween decorations have emerged. Now if you thought "inflatables" only came out at Christmas, you would be wrong. (for those that need to catch up, my family seems to think that calling them "inflatables" makes them more acceptable) Evidently they make them for Halloween and lord knows how many holidays. I will let the pictures speak for themselves:



Now Trish likes to have one Christmas tree on the back porch all year, so you might ask... What do you do with the Christmas tree during other holidays? Answer:



Now I knew Trish meant business when she had the rotating cookie tray out. (Surprisingly no crockpot). No worries there is one in a box for me in the basement for when I get my own place.



More pictures to come. And thats what you call a cliffhanger...

Red Rocket

As most of you probably know, I adopted a puppy last week from the shelter. He is a very sweet and playful puppy, but when he gets excited he tends to get a red rocket. Not just a little red rocket, but a gamongous boner. Now I can deal with seeing his tube of lipstick, but what I can't deal with is my father commenting on it.

It is just really awkward hearing your father joke about dog boners. It just brings unpleasant things to mind. Especially after you accidentally stumbled upon your parents secret stash of KY Jelly Warming Sensations last week while looking in their bookshelf for a Grisham book (the experience left me with no desire to read, but with a raging desire to rip out my eyeballs after seeing....that).

It's bad enough that the president wears a banana hammock and makes boner jokes. But I did not need to stumble upon the aforementioned item above. I need a job soon or else I am going to need serious therapy from this stint living at home.

A Davis Family Trip to the Gastroenterologist

WARNING: MEDICAL PROCEDURES DISCUSSED BELOW...just figured I'd say that in case the squeamish were reading.

Well, it's been awhile since anyone has blogged. Seriously, are Tess, Stephanie, and I the only ones who have amusing things happen to us. Andrew is in freaking Italy, yet no good stories? I find that hard to believe.

Anyways, I figured I better share about my latest adventure before I get washed away in the Great Storm of 2009 (that is what the newsman just called it....a bit of an overreaction, in my opinion...it is just a ton of rain). The picture below is around the corner from my house.



The Country Club where I work is closed on Monday so I was volunteered to take my father to the doctor today to have an endoscopy for some reflux issues. An endoscopy (thank the Lord) is when the doctor inserts a tube/camera through your throat to take photos of your stomach, esophagus, etc. The office where we were, however, also does colonoscopies which are endoscopies from the other end. After my father was prepped, I had to go back to sit with him to watch his things while he waited for the anesthetist and the procedure.

After my dad was rolled away, an elderly woman was brought back into the next room separated from me by a wall and a curtain. She clearly had just had a colonoscopy judging by the conversation she was having with her husband, the doctor, and the recovery nurse. Apparently after such a procedure, the nurse's job is to encourage the patient to pass as much gas as possible immediately. Like, this woman put myself or Coleman to shame on a good day. Sitting alone in my room, I started to giggle (NO PRIVACY) until the woman said this little gem, "I think that was a little more than gas." My giggle almost immediately turned into a vomit puddle on the middle of the floor until the woman began to continuosly pass gas again. It was as if she had sat on the world's biggest whoopie cushion, and there was no end in sight. It was horrible, and I couldn't figure out why they forced me to sit alone back in the room while my dad was not even there.

Thankfully, soon after, my heavily asleep father was wheeled back into the room. After kind of waking up and sitting up at a 90-degree angle because he couldn't quite figure out how to sit up correctly, my dad IMMEDIATELY began to argue about "Obama-care" with me in front of the nurse and how the hospital would soon change into a giant Red Cross shelter/"sick bay" for people who can't afford real care and come to the doctor for everything. Really, the first thing you do after coming off of drugs is argue with your liberal son about the President?! Come on, Dad. I told him to be quiet and to pay attention to the nurse.

He then asked for 8 more doses of meds so that he could sleep when he got home (presumedly so he didn't have to deal with B&T). He also kept saying how the meds didn't effect him, but that it made my mom crazy, or according to him, "You know how she gets after she's had a couple of drinks."

It was quite the adventure, and I was so happy that my dad's procedure was the one that was not followed by instructions to pass as much gas as possible. The nurse asked the woman next door to use her husband as a "target," and I probably would have punched her in the baby-maker had she even begun to suggest that to my father.

Cobb County Schools and my Club are closed tomorrow so my mother and I have to spend the whole day together with B&T. Certainly something entertaining has to come out of it. I just felt we needed some sort of update as it had been nearly a month! Congrats to all the Mississippi people who passed the Bar Exam!! The rest of us, god-willing, will be joining you shortly.

Is your house on fire, Clark?

So I am attempting to have a relaxing afternoon with the parentals out of town and settle down to mini-marathon of Its Always Sunny. (you know you are old when your parents being out of town means nothing) But shiver me timbers, I cant seem to figure out how to use the blasted DVD player. So proceed to call the sibling to get some guidance. She says that our dear mother has put the living room on a master controller and the DVD player is connected. Directions: turn on light set 1 to be able to power the DVD player.


RESULT ------------------------->
Sooooo basically if I want to kick it with Dennis, Sweet Dee, Charlie and Mac... I have to have a Griwalds Christmas around the television. Its slightly distracting... and when I say slightly I mean extremely.

**FYI: That tree to the left of the tv... not ONLY lights up, its fiber optic. If you aren't familiar with fiber optic decorations, don't be alarmed, it is probably because you arn't white trash.

Just wait till Christmas!

Being Unemployed is a Full Time Job

Problem 1: I came home to find the above, a timeless piece, in a pile to go to Goodwill. Trish is obviously going senile. Awesome doesn't belong at Goodwill. Come winter this baby is getting some wear and tear.

The closets of fame. I couldn't fit all the Justin into one screen cap. Sincerest Apologies.

I hate that you are missing the intricacy of detail of this beaut... so I provided a closeup. NOTE I had to measure, cute and tape the posters so my closets could open and close.


That is all for now. A year ago I would be drinking 2 for 1, now Im off to take a walk around the neighborhood and listen to my book on tape. Stay tuned.

911...What's Your Emergency?

Ah....the adventures of Big and Tasty continue.

Scene: Will's Bedroom, Tuesday night, 11:30 P.M.

So I'm laying in my bed on Tuesday night on Sporcle, close to midnight, and I hear the doorbell ring. Immediately I think to myself, "What in the hell? It's those damn neighborhood kids again." Followed closely by thoughts of realizing that we have no "damn neighborhood kids" in my subdivision so someone must be at my door. I'm fumbling around for shorts and a t-shirt to go downstairs before my parents wake up and then the dog starts to bark.

As I enter the foyer, I flip on the light, I'm kind of out of it, and I look through the window and don't see anyone. Then the nice police officer on our front step moves a bit, scares me to death, and I open the door.

Will: "Good evening, Officer."
Cobb County PD: "Yes, hello, we received a 911 call from this address."
W: "What? No way...my parents are in bed, and I've been upstairs."
PD: (Looks at me like A: I'm a 25 year old prank caller, B: I'm a robber who is answering the door and lying about the call, and C: Like I'm stupid, clearly someone called 911) "Well, we got the call. Is everyone ok?"
W: "Well, I guess it could be my grandmother"
PD: "Is she ok?"
W: "I don't know."
PD: "Well, we need to check."
W: "Well, OK."

As we enter the house to walk to my grandma's room where I can see the light is on and can hear the TV, my mother walks out in her robe and pajamas obviously having just awakened. To see me followed by a cop with his flashlight out and on. "What is going on?" "Well, Mom...apparently Grandmother called the police."

Knock, knock. "Yes?" I open the door. B&T is stretched out on her bed, feet up, watching TV. "Are you OK?" "Yes, I'm fine. What's wrong?" "The police are here, they said you called 911." "Oh, no, I haven't touched my phone." "Where is it?" "On the hook." It wasn't, it was in her bed. "Where is your Medic Alert button?" "The bathroom?" "Did you roll over on your phone and hit the 911 button?" "Heavens no! I haven't touched my phone ALL NIGHT." "Well, the police are here." "Well, oh my. Did they bring the whole kit and caboodle?" "No, it is just one officer." My mother asks the officer where the 911 call came from. He radios in and gets the number which comes from my grandmother's private extension. It is the ONLY phone in the house that can call from the number. Clearly, she accidentally dialed 911 but refuses to fess up to the possibility it happened. (Aside...her factual-based explanation comes later).

At this point, my dad FINALLY wakes up even after my mother has left their bedroom and is conversing with the cop, my grandma, and me in the hallway. He opens the door (in true Davis fashion in his underwear and a v-neck undershirt), "Can you all please go have your social hour somewhere else? Some of us have to work in the morning?!" "Dad, the cops are here. Grandma accidentally called 911." "Oh, well I didn't know that. Good night." Door shut.

I walk the cop to the door, embarrassed and very apologetic. He was NOT laughing and did seem to find any humor in the situation but lord knows how many of the elderly do this. He said he just had to check, and I'm sure the image in his head was as follows:



So tonight, at church dinner, I learn the following points as we are talking to our family friends. This is the THIRD time my grandmother has accidentally done this. Either, she needs a rotary phone you can't roll over, a phone without a direct to 911 button, or we have to take her phone away like a 16-year old. Second, my mom was talking to her today and this was my grandmother's excuse, "I guess a bug must have called across it." My mom simply nodded her head. A bug!! A bug!! What kind of bug has the weight to push down a phone button!!! Oh, my grandma must have let her African Hissing Cockroach out of its cage so it could call up its friends at the Cobb County PD.



I only hope when I'm old, my grandkids can have these stories to tell about me. Except my nickname will probably be Meatball Sub.

Reason # 298,330 that I need to move out

I don't know what is worse. The green inflatable couch or the fact that my Beanie Babies are still out on display. Discuss.

Next Stop....Waffle House

Today at work, I was told that the waiting service I gave at the pool was what they had been looking for all summer. I was also generously tipped later in the dining room. Either I picked up some unknown skills while in law school or I've missed my true calling in life as a waiter. If I didn't have these damn loans to pay off, I may just get complacent and keep hammering out shifts at the country club. Now, I just have to report that to the Career Services Office at Ole Miss Law on Monday.

Oh, also, congratulations to the Seasoned Vet who has gotten a somewhat-lawyerly job with a lawyer in Jackson. Can he still blog since he has a job and isn't living with his parents? Let's vote. Speaking of others blogging....

AKA Whopper Jr.

As my fabulous life of unemployment enters its stride, I realize how lucky I am to spend with it my Grandmother Big N' Tasty (BnT) aka Whopper Jr aka Chicken Plank. Little did I know how her culinary tastes had changed in my most recent year at Ole Miss. However, as the number of restaurants has expanded on Cobb Parkway, apparently, so has her beltline.

For those of you don't know my life story, my dad's mother lives with us. She is not the healthiest of the Greatest Generation and literally eats a McDonald's Big N' Tasty value meal for dinner every night....or so I thought. It started with Mickey D's Angus Burger special which she just had to try. I said sure, I mean...I was paying for it with the Arch Card I got her for her birthday anyways (she is VERY easy to shop for during the holidays)!

The next day, after I took her for her monthly trip to the Dollar General (BALLIN!), she asked for Long John Silver's. After promising her I did not want anything (even though it was attached to a Taco Bell), she told me she wanted the 2 Chicken Plank meal with no French Fries but Cole Slaw. Extra Crumblies. When we got home, she proceeded to throw out one chicken plank, get sweet pickle relish from the fridge, mix it in with the fried crumbs and down the entire meal. But not before complaining there were no fries, forgetting that I had asked to substitute them for her cole slaw.

And then finally tonight, she was basically begging me for Burger King. Were she physically able to get on her knees and beg, I'm quite certain she would have...all for a Whopper Jr. that "are on special...they are only $1!" I don't have the heart to tell her that they are always a dollar, so I agreed to go only after we had a conversation about the cute cheerleader that is all over the TV and the movies (aka Hannah Montana, something else I'm not explaining.)



Anyways, 1 Whopper Jr, 1 Value fries, and 3 jars of pickle relish later, BnT is in bed settled in for another day of culinary delight tomorrow. Now I simply must ask if we should keep calling her BnT since she has expanded her menu so much. Grandma Chicken Plank just doesn't have a good ring to it, but I'm sure we can come up with something good combining McDonald's, Whopper Jr., and Hannah Montana.

And no Profo, I will not refer to her as Big Montana.

One Can Only Hope....

If this new part-time job works out for me, I can only pray that it is like the Starz original series Party Down!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eADvAe4p8Og&feature=channel

For those of you who haven't watched, I have to suggest it to fill the time you have while living at home with your parents. It stars Adam Scott, Jane Lynch, and Lizzy Caplan (aka Janice Ian...Dyke from Mean Girls). The show follows a group of otherwise unemployable actors and the like as they cater Super Sweet 16 Parties, funerals, porn conventions, and gay weddings. Its a mix of the Office and 30 Rock but with the blessing of additional vulgarity that we just can't get on NBC.

I also want to figure out how to get the actual youtube video in here except for the link....any ideas?

Banana Hammock

So this morning my mother made me french toast for breakfast. And then as I was laying in the pool, my mom came out and asked me what I wanted for lunch. So as I was thinking, "Why the hell didn't I move home sooner?!?," my 63 year-old father strutted out of the house in his Speedo and I then had my answer.

#82 Blogging About Being Unemployed

Stealing a link from The Seasoned Vet.....

http://stuffunemployedpeoplelike.com/

Apparently, we aren't the first people to come up with the idea. We just have to be funnier. And more attractive.

Here We Go!

In celebration of this exciting and quite successful time in our lives, as we revel in our lives with our new roommates and the ridiculous stories that are sure to follow, I wanted to figure out how to put a damn photo on this blog as I sit in front of my computer for what I'm sure is the first of many lonely nights in Acworth.

MA, MEATLOAF!! is going to make us lots of and lots of $$. I'm going downstairs to get some ice cream. On second thought...."MA!!!!"

Welcome readers

Welcome readers